Tonight I will have one of the most awkward dinners of my life. While I wish I had the time to dive into my family history, I don’t today. Perhaps in a future post. Just know that I’ve only seen my biological dad maybe five times, and that could definitely be a stretch, in my entire life. In my adult years he has asked me to call him a time or two, but honestly, I didn’t feel like that was my responsibility, so I didn’t. Plus, I was fine. I had my dad and my mom, no space for him. To add to it, he is an alcoholic. That has made every interaction with him extremely uncomfortable. I didn’t have time nor space for that in my life. Today, my mom has been gone for 2.5 years and I’ve been told bio-dad hasn’t been drinking. I’ve run out of excuses.
And honestly, I’m curious. I wonder if there’s a hole in me that I’m not aware of that can be fixed by having a conversation with this man. I already know and acknowledge that his absence has caused me to have abandonment issues. I wonder if there’s more?
So, while I’m looking forward to this dinner, I’m not. Tonight, I won’t have my buffer, my mother, with me. Because of that I feel lost. I don’t have anything, or anyone to hide behind.
He and I have text back and forth about our dinner tonight with my responses being dry, yet polite and his being spirited. What has made me feel curious, yet uncomfortable already is how much even through text, he sounds like me. His words were words I use with others all the time and I don’t like it. It makes me feel edgy because he is unworthy to be like me.
And no, he won’t be meeting Johanna. He hasn’t earned that right yet. This might sound uppity, but I don’t let people that are unworthy of her light around her. They have to prove themselves first. Johanna will be with her grandfather, or papa as she calls him.
If you believe in Jesus, will you say a prayer for me? Send me lots of good energy. This is kind of a big deal.
Now, I gotta go find the outfit that says I’m closed off, but curious lol.