This follow up entry has been a long time coming. I’m so sorry to keep you in the dark. There have been many changes happening at work that have kept me tied up and exhausted. Anyway, moving on from there.
As I was walking to the restaurant to meet biodad, I saw him going into the restaurant and it gave me a slight pause. What were we going to talk about? How was his mood going to be? Was he going to be overly gushy like he was in the past when he was drunk? Because honestly, I don’t do the huggy thing with people that are strangers. Was he going to be drunk? Because I don’t do drunks either.
I walked in and immediately asked myself do we shake hands? Do we hug? Do we wave? This situation was starting to become stressful and I had to calm myself down, so he said hello to me and I said hello to him and we took our seats. I’m not going to take you through the whole conversation, I’ll just give you an overview. He is sober. Iin fact, I want to say this is the most sober that I have ever seen him. We are a lot alike, and that scared me. Who told him to be like me? Ugh. However, we are also very different. I realize that my personality is a mixture of his, my moms, my dads and my aunt carols. Biodad is an introvert to the 10th power. He doesn’t like being bothered. He has a girlfriend that he basically sees once a week on Sundays. The man didn’t even tell her he had moved until 4 months after the move! Who does that? He likes to keep to himself. Dear God, unfortunately, so many of the negative things about me I saw exaggerated in him. One positive thing I saw was that if you don’t want to be bothered with him, he doesn’t want to be bothered with you. That’s me. I don’t like to entertain folks that don’t want to be entertained by me. He wasn’t forceful. I asked him quite a few questions about him. I particularly asked about why he began abusing substances. He was a child that liked to keep things in. He was embarrassed and hurt by a lot of things. He started drinking as a teenager. He has been a functioning alcoholic for some time. He praised my mom and praised my dad for the good job they both did on me. Much to my chagrin, he was everything that you would want a prodigal father to be and it annoyed the hell out of me.
I’m annoyed because I forgive easily, particularly if you have a good reason for doing something. He was an alcoholic. It was best for him not to be in my life. I get it. I wouldn’t have wanted him there in that condition. Alcoholism is a strong addiction to battle and I know it. However, something in me doesn’t feel satisfied. I feel like I have given him a pass my whole life because of his disease. I want to get angry at him, but I can’t. The anger is dulled way beneath the surface and I have no idea how to dig down and get to it and let it out. I feel like deep deep deep down inside there is a part of me screaming you selfish bastard! But that part of me is so deep down that when I say it out-loud it just comes out in a regular, blase tone with no effect. But I KNOW it’s there and I want to free it. How do I do this? How do I put aside the whole ‘you had a disease and I had a great dad, so all is forgiven’ part and get to the part that will help me heal and not deal with the affects of abandonment?
That’s what I’m left with. The dinner was fine. He text me a couple of weeks ago asking if it could be a monthly deal. I said sure. But it bothers me that I don’t know how to get what I need to out of it. Guess I need to go pray on it and give it to God.