You may have noticed that I haven’t posted an entry in the season of posting entries. There was Thanksgiving, then Christmas shopping, taking the kids to see santa, winter wonderlands, and all that good stuff. At first I didn’t understand it either. It’s Christmas after all! My favorite season of any other. My birthday is the week before Christmas so the whole month is about joy and cheer. So why have I felt so blah?
It started with me not wanting to post. So I said fine, I’ll just do the photo-a-day thing on Instagram to keep me involved in social media. However, that too began to fall off . Then I cancelled my birthday celebrations. I said it was because of the weather, and school, and dh having to prepare for a certification, and any other thing I could pull out of my butt, but nope, that wasn’t it. Then it happened. Monday on my birthday I slowly began to unravel and I had an aha moment. It was my birthday. My moms birthday would’ve been today. Oh, hello grief. Nice to see you come visit depression…said no one ever. I had been so excited for my birthday before it got here, and then when it was finally here I wanted the day to be over before it even began. I realize now that I was falling apart because I’ve been trying so hard since thanksgiving not to be sad. Not to become one of “those” people who get depressed during the holidays. I have Johanna and she deserves holiday cheer dammit! But here it is. And it sits heavy on my shoulder. It always seems to begin to lift on Christmas day until I finally make peace with it on the anniversary of her passing, which is January 19th.
I don’t know how to stop this. I don’t know if it’s one of those “with time dear” things, or if there is something I can actually do to make this season a little easier on myself and those around me. I’m open to all suggestions. This article says it sucks to be depressed during the holidays. I so agree. I want to go back to that place where the holidays were magical. I don’t want to just isolate myself from everyone.
So if I don’t update in a while, if my posts aren’t full of holiday cheer, please forgive. I’m just trying to deal at this point.