Time to Let It Go

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I bet you know exactly what movie that image comes from. For the longest time I was ignorant to Frozen. I didn’t understand all the hoopla and I certainly didn’t appreciate Let It Go winning best song all over the place. I certainly preferred Pharell’s Happy, although I had never heard let it go. And just to be clear, I still prefer Happy. That is my go to song when I’m in a slump. It immediately makes me feel, well, happy!

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in;
Heaven knows I’ve tried

But for the past couple of weeks the song Let It Go has been having a new meaning for me. I didn’t understand it for the longest time. Whenever I would hear it, or sing it with Johanna, a new feeling came with it. I connected with it. Kind of how I connected with the song Reflection in Mulan. I didn’t understand it, until I really focused on the lyrics.

Don’t let them in,
don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be

I started thinking about everything I risked when I decided to audition for, and commit to, Listen to Your Mother. I have experienced a lot in my life, a lot that I have kept hidden from everyone. A lot of hurts and pains. You know, in the African American community there is a strong belief in not letting the outside in. Family business is family business. You don’t discuss it with others. What happens in the family, stays in the family. Well my immediate family was small. In my house it was me and my mother. My father lived 10 minutes away. So really most things stayed between my mother and I. In many ways it brought us closer in a good way. In other ways it wore me out emotionally. I would watch her have her own personal struggles that she wouldn’t let others in on. When she was around them she was reserved, yet smiling. You would never know. So, I learned the lesson of my mother.

Conceal, don’t feel,
don’t let them know

I didn’t tell her until I was in my 20s about when Sister Marie Helene knocked me out of my desk when I was in 1st grade and how I hit my head on the radiator. How I blacked out for a second and woke up in my own vomit consisting of the milk at I had snack time and that, THAT is the reason why even the smell of milk causes my stomach to turn to this very day. I did let her know when I was touched inappropriately, but by the time I was 16 I had decided not to tell her about the rape and the pregnancy that resulted in a miscarriage. Part of it was the shame that comes with rape. I learned in my 20s (my 20s were apparently good to me; I learned a lot) that sexual abuse is one of the few crimes that make the victim a participant, and that brings with it a lot of shame. But that’s another topic for another day. The other reason I didn’t tell her was because of our issue with discussing sex and everything it brought with it.

Well now they know!

I kept the little things and the big things to myself. I learned not to trust anyone, but God. I’ve often said that one of the best gifts my mother ever gave me was knowledge of Jesus Christ. He has always been my very best friend and my confidant. Eventually, in my 20s lol, I confided in my pastor about my rape. I knew I had to say it out-loud in order to release the burden I was carrying. I had to speak my truth and she seemed like the safest place next to God. And that’s where my healing began.

When I did my LTYM piece, I knew there was a chance that there would be some backlash. Not from my friends, nor from strangers, but from family. How dare I let others know? How dare I talk about my mother in that way? People love and adore my mother, but I can assure them that no one loves and adores her more than I do. She is in heaven now, but I love her more than words could ever say. But that doesn’t stop my truth from being my truth. I was so tired of what happened in my teen years weighing me down. I just wanted to be free, and if it could help someone else in the process, even better. And now I have my freedom papers! I still have a lot of other stuff to work through, but the issues I had from 10-16 are finally dead. I can finally let them go and not have them threatening me emotionally and mentally.

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
I’m free!

It did initially scare me, the thought of my family seeing my piece. Even up to the day that the videos were released I thought about blocking my family from seeing my wall for a week, so that the video would be buried way down on my facebook timeline and they would be none the wiser. But then I decided no. NO. This is my truth and if someone has a problem with it, bring it! And I don’t mean that in a huffy, chest puffed out kind of way. I mean it in a “God has set me free from that internal hell and nothing you say or ask can take me back there; I love you, but I love me even more; God has work for me to do, and I can’t do it if I’m being held hostage by my past, so sorry, not sorry” kind of way. In the words of Elsa, I’m never going back, the past is in the past.

So, yeah, that’s my story of how I fell in love with the movie Frozen and the song Let It Go. It has a way deeper meaning for me than I’m sure it should lol, but that’s ok too. God often talks to me through music and movies, so I’m not surprised. Oh, and just in case you love the song as much as I do, here’s the video!

 

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2 thoughts on “Time to Let It Go

  1. This was a wonderful post Reina. I think many of us have so much in our past that we can’t escape. Brown girls are taught to be strong and not divulge too much information about their fears, hurts, wants and needs. Once again great post.

    Like

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