Dude, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know what has happened to me. I was quasi-forced into the role of SAHM/Homeschooler in June. I had all of these ideas of grandeur. It was going to be great! Johanna was going to learn so much! I was gonna have even more control over her school work, helping her in the areas that she struggled, making sure her morals reflected that of JD and I. Did I mention that my house was going to be spotless? I mean immaculate. You could eat off of the floor at any moment. Man, Martha Stewart/Betty Crocker/June Cleaver who?
Yes, Johanna is learning and doing great. I’m able to structure our days however I feel like. However, I do not have a degree in education and I feel like there are some things that I just can’t teach her. I struggle with whether or not to put her back in school. In my heart of hearts I believe it is the right thing to do. First of all she is very social. She loves having friends and seeing them as often as possible. I can’t offer her that. I can offer her seeing them once a week, but that’s about it. With just that part there I feel like a failure. Also, teachers have a patience that I believe comes straight from the Lord. It may even surpass the patience of Job.
Here’s the thing. I don’t agree with the way some parents raise their kids, say what you will. I’m sure there are a ton that think my parenting skills are not where it’s at. I can’t fathom who these people are, but I’m sure they exist somewhere out there. Some of those students will be in class with my child and I don’t feel like having to get Johanna to unlearn the thing’s she picks up from them that will irk my nerves. On the other-hand, I went to school and my parents WERE my biggest influencers, and I believe that we can be that for Johanna. I turned out pretty darn good, and I believe with prayer and perseverance we can combat all the negative that she may encounter and enhance all of the good that will come her way.
And let’s not forget about me. I have turned into someone I do not know. Saturday was a snow day. In the past snow days were for catching up on shows that I have enjoyed. Do you know that I had not one show to catch up on? How disgusting! Why am I all caught up on every show there is? Why do I know what’s happening on the Bachelor? Why am I so invested in who Chris chooses? Why am I well versed in what twitter beefs are going on? I mean I’m over here tweeting Khloe Khardasian about how she doesn’t want any of Amber Rose because she is NOT about that life. I’m staring at my phone begging Amber Rose to be messy and spill everything she knows about Kanye. And just in case you don’t know what I’m talking about, here you go:
Oooo hunny, did you catch that tea? I mean, Amber has been giving me life all week. So has Steve Wilcose. You know, the dude that used to be security on Jerry Springer that now has his own show. So has paternity court, Love and Hip Hop, Vanderpump Rules… I mean seriously, what reality show do you want to know about? What beef do you care to be filled in on? Because I have all the latest gossip and it’s turrrrible!
Who am I? When did I become this person? I’m usually the girl that does not want to know your business, I like minding my own. I don’t want no problems. But being a SAHM has me on some real Peg Bundy stuff. I need to get my everlasting life! I used to be that girl that was too busy to be abreast of everything that was going on in pop culture because I was hosting girls night out, or I was just out myself enjoying me and my friends. Now I’m on twitter like:
I am meant to work. I lie to myself and say if I get a job where I can work from home all the time and teach Johanna I will be more than ok with that. Pfft. I honestly don’t know if I will be completely satisfied. I mean, I really like being in an office, working with a team, being productive, solving problems that not only impact my little community, but the world. However, whenever I find awesome curriculum that is fun and interesting for Johanna, I love it! I love seeing her blossom and I love that we control what she learns and when. And seeing videos like this one sure make me believe that being home with her is the right thing to do.
It sounds like I’m complaining, because I am, but I am also super thankful. So thankful that Jesus has blessed us so that I can be home with Johanna and it not leave us super poor. We have all the necessities and more. My husband has been very supportive and I so appreciate him. We are blessed beyond. I just don’t know if I want to stay in this role. I don’t know if it is best for Johanna. Lord knows if I go back to work I will miss her more than anything and I’m sure I’m going to think I have made a terrible mistake going back to a 9-5 when I could be home with my babygirl.
I’m so over being an adult. Everything is so complex. I think Monday Johanna and I shall role play. She gets to be the mom and the teacher, while I’m the child and the student. She can probably make better decisions than I do. Afterall, we are doing a fantabulous job raising her!