I have a problem that I don’t know how to fix. It’s a problem that has left me feeling quite lonely at times and jailed in. I look out at other people that have what I want, enjoying it so freely, and I feel so melancholy. How do I get to where they are?
Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself. Saul took him that day and did not let him return to his father’s house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. 1 Samuel 18:1-3
I think a lot of things in life have caused me to be guarded. The couple of episodes of mistrust with my mom, the defending myself so that I wouldn’t get hurt. Going to a school where I was one of three black kids for 8 years and not really being seen or understood, just different. Too many things. I just never thought that it would have such an impact on my friendships.
I have friends. I have many acquaintances. But I find myself constantly being on the hunt for that elusive bff. That sister-friend. My person. It makes me super sad that I am not one of those people that can say I have had a best friend for x amount of years, although I have had best friends. In elementary school it was Miss M, but she moved away after 8th grade. We still keep in touch on facebook, but that’s about it. In High School it was Miss A. College sent us in separate directions in more ways than one, and I had to let that go. In college I adored two ladies, one from Jordan, another from Kenya. But college ended and we all went off to start our separate lives in different states and countries. In my 20s it was Miss A, but our friendship was a rocky one. The good times were fantastic, but the bad times sucked the life out of us, leaving us drained and wondering why we even bothered. In my 30’s it was Ms. T, but she became more and more distant before sending me a message saying she couldn’t be my friend anymore. Yup. It was just that simple. No explanation given at all. Did I mention she was the godmother of my daughter? Talk about crushed! I didn’t see that one coming.
It’s so strange. Most of my friends are looking for their Prince Charming and possibly even a baby. I have those. I’m looking for a very good friend. Someone that I can have girl time with, be really silly with, and know deeply. That one person that gets me. That one person that is just easy for me to be around. I haven’t had that in so long! I used to tear up watching Meredith and Cristina on Grey’s Anatomy because they had what I wanted. Two completely different people that got each other and had each others back. Will I ever find someone like that?
The thing is, I don’t force friendships. If it isn’t happening naturally, I don’t put extra work into it. I’m beginning to believe I’m working that all wrong. But all of my best friends came about organically and it just felt right. And I can understand why all of them ended except for the last one. What is it about me that isn’t letting others in?
I’m on a mission of self discovery. I need to figure out how to remove the barriers in my life that is preventing real, close, exceptional friendship to come in. I’m determined that by this time next year I will be a Charlotte who has found her Carrie, Miranda, and maybe even a Samantha.
*Don’t forget to enter my giveaway for a curl centric curly kids coloring book here. Closes wednesday!*