The Christmas season has come and gone and I’ve been silent. If you have followed me for a while, you may notice that every Christmas season I get a little quieter, or just become non-existent altogether. In October I have so many big plans for this blog. So many things I’m going to post, areas I want to challenge myself in, but then November hits and…nothing. And that’s because this particular season is always hard for me.
Every November I welcome Thanksgiving with a bit of excitement, but also a whole lot of apprehension because Turkey Day means that December is on the horizon and December means I’m in for very rough terrain. December means a little bit of depression, a whole lot of anxiety. It means excitement and sadness. It means being overbooked, having too many plans, trying to find space to breathe. It means missing my mom desperately and not knowing what to do with those emotions. It means fighting so so so hard to stay present for a little girl that loves the advent season more than anything and trying to make new memories with a baby who still doesn’t know what to quite make of it all. It means struggle. It means screaming inside for peace. It means wondering if I’ll survive it all or if I should just go ahead and put myself on a 72 hour hold.
My birthday is December 16th and my moms was December 19th. It’s tough. December 19, 2016 found me having a total and complete breakdown. My dad had to come over and tend to me because I was in a bad way. I had hit rock bottom of it all.It was ugly, scary, and it hurt physically and emotionally. I was in my own personal hell and for the life of me I still don’t know how to escape myself in times like that.
November 2017 I was determined that December would be different. That 2016 would never happen again. That healing, not darkness, was on my horizon. So I prayed. I mentally locked myself up and had a face to face with Jesus. I needed him to perform a miracle in my life. I needed him to break that chain that was pulling me down every year. I prayed so hard. I had others pray. For once I let others in and I asked them to please, please pray. Please.
And when I tell you that God delivered…
I was in awe at how he met me right where I was. I was in awe at how he showered me with love in the way my mom would so many times. Like the Minister at church who gave us a monetary blessing for the girls on behalf of my mom. And then there was the lady in the Post Office who not only paid for me to ship my package, but then also gave me a blessing. When I went to thank her for being so kind in paying for my package, I told her that the blessing was right on time as funds were very tight for me in that moment and I was dreading shipping the package because of it. I also told her how that very day was my moms birthday, she would’ve been 67, and what she did felt like God soothing me. She asked me to do her a favor and accept something. She said that it was also her birthday and she was 47 to my moms 67 and that’s when she handed me $50. After thanking her and praying that God bless her for blessing me, all I could do was call out to Abba God.
He was literally raining down blessings on me. And that was only the beginning.
That doesn’t mean I didn’t have some struggle. As I drove out to hang out with my friends for my birthday, I had a mild panic attack on the way. I still shed tears. I still had moments of not being sure if I was coming or if I was going. However, they were nothing like previous years. 2017 I felt 70% present, which is amazing for me! I made it. I made it through my birthday. I made it through her birthday. I made it through Christmas. I made it without breaking down, without losing myself. God met me, God loved on me, God reminded me exactly who he is.
And before anyone thinks it was about the money, let me assure you it was not. You see, my mom loved to show people her love by giving to them. She loved to by them very nice gifts and that of course included me. My love language is not presents. I’m not impressed by money or things. But when those around me started giving to me in honor of her, and they were doing it so extravagantly, I KNEW that was God loving on me the way that she would. Awwww That God of mine! He overwhelms me! He’s too much! My cup runneth over! The way Jesus loves on me is perfection.
So while I am sorry that I’ve been away, it was necessary. It was survival.
Thank you for sticking with me through my quiet seasons. I hope to be very loud in 2018.