This Means War!


I am tired. I’m sure that is stating the obvious. But why am I so exhausted you ask? Because I have a 2 year old who has decided to act every bit of 2 and I am at my wits end.

To say that Johanna is strong willed is the understatement of the year! And women without kids, let me warn you – when they say that your child is you, but 10x worse? Believe them. Johanna is a total monster in a cute, little persons body. She’s so…

Our number 1 issue is potty training. For the love of God and all that is holy I do NOT-tuh understand why my child goes from one extreme to the other. She does darn near perfect with potty training at school, as with most other things. Yay! Give me a boom (her definition of a high five)! Fantastic! But at home O_O. I go from having the joy of the Lord to wanting to pin this child up by her toes. Which of course I wouldn’t do, but ooooooooo baby! She just doesn’t know how good she has it. If I ask her to potty ONCE she gives me grief, but may still do it. The second time? It’s as if the potty is on FIRE! She screams, and I don’t mean that little scream that you and I can do. I mean that scream that only kids can do that drives us batty and makes dogs run around in circles howling. That scream that makes neighbors think you’re killing your child, when all you’ve asked them to do is use the friggin potty! I mean Johanna, really? Where da heyuhl they do that at? Not this house! She better get it, or I’m giving her up for adoption while her daddy is in Afghanistan

So this is how it goes…every single day…of my life…

Me: Johanna let’s go potty.
Johanna: I don’t wanna potty.
Me: Well unfortunately for you, it’s not about what you WANT to do, it’s about what you have to do. Now let’s go potty.
Johanna: No mama.
Me: If you potty like a big girl I will give you a sticker AND some milk *rolls eyes in the inside because I’m bargaining with a 2 year old and this ish is ridiculous*
Johanna: No potty mama.
Me: Well we’re going. Come on.

LET THE SCREAMING BEGIN!

It’s all downhill from there. I finally get her pullups or panties off and put her on the toilet and she flings herself back, arching so that she almost hits her head on the back of the toilet O_O. And before you ask, yes, she does have a potty her size, but she always chooses the big potty over the smaller one. I proceed to fight with her on the potty while she’s screaming for the popo to come get me. She does actually use the potty during this process, but still fights me every step of the way. She refuses to wipe and will only wash her hands. And then she screams when I make her stop playing in the water. And the other day you know what she did??? This lil…girl…takes her hand and SMACKS ME!!!

Huh. Huh. Bwahahahahahahahahaha! <—That’s me going cray cray because it is so obvious that this kid of mine has now lost ALL of her mind! Dude, when I tell you that I started to have an out of body experience, I mean it. My palms got sweaty. My heartbeat raced up to about 145. My breathing became rapid. For a second I started to black out and completely forget who I was and what I was doing. When I came to, Johanna was still standing there acting a fool. I…had to breathe. I had to pray to the Lord for strenf that only he could give me because that action right there, is not what is allowed to go down in my house. For the rest of the night Johanna and I had it out. At one point of time, 45 minutes into her sitting in time out (that’s right, 45 minutes!), she was STILL sitting in time out trying to escape lmao! Smh. Clearly that wasn’t working. So, I took away everything she liked. Oh, you wanna scream and have a breakdown? Then let’s have a reason to break down! No Dora, no kindle, no tv, no coloring books, NO MILK, NOTHING! Take that take that! Do you know this lil…girl…looked at me and went to go lay on the couch like that’s what she wanted to do the whole time? I mean looked at me like

People, what do I do with this? No really, what do I do with this child? I give her the business everyday and I stick to what I say, I promise! I do not budge. But she doesn’t care. Like, at all. So I stopped talking to her. I know I know, now I’m 2, but I really had nothing to say. I told her that I wasn’t talking to her because she was impossibly disrespectful and that I didn’t like it. She carried on about her business, but then had the nerve to come over and kiss me on my cheek O_o.Ha! Hunty! Lil mama! Lemme tell you something. I was an only child too. I know this game far too well and yeah, no, doesn’t work for me. Go saddown somewhere So yeah, I’m seriously asking for help. Yeah, she breaks down with anything that goes against her princess lifestyle, but the potty thing is driving me batty. I’m ready to just let her live in diapers for the rest of her life *shrug*. I’m tired. I’m worn out. And I just ain’t got it. Heeelllp!!!!

~JM

Hold On!

I never in life realized how impatient a two year old could be until i had Johanna. She will ask me to do the same thing over and over again until it’s done. “Mama, milk? Mama…mama…milk?” As you can guess, I’m usually pretty busy during these moments so my number one response is hold on, Johanna!

Right now we are in the potty training stages. She picked it up within a week of us training her, thank God from whom all blessings flow. Last summer she was almost fully potty trained when she had to go to daycare and started to back track, so this has been a long time coming! Anyway, yesterday i put her on the potty because she said she had to use it. This was in the midst of me getting the bed ready for the night. So i put her on the potty and tried to finish making the bed.

Johanna: all done. Up, mama?
Me: hold on, Johanna.
Johanna: up, mama?
Me: hold on, Johanna!
Johanna: Up, mama? Mama up?
Me: *gives Johanna a stern look*
Johanna: *with her head bopping from side to side* Hol’on Hanna *sigh*.
Me: -_-….bwahahahahaha!

Seriously, how could i be mad at that? Asking me the same question every two seconds drives me crazy, buy man this kids is funny! Gotta love her!

~ JM