It’s Us Against Her

Le sigh. I have been using the term le sigh for…13 years now. Every time I think that I’m going to retire it, I can’t. I can’t because something happens that irks me so bad that a simple sigh won’t suffice. A heavy sigh doesn’t really convey what I’m feeling. So, le sigh it is.

Le sigh.

That is what I find myself doing everyday now. Johanna has finally figured out this whole terrible two’s thing. She’s really got it down. She understands how to throw tantrums that will grate every last fiber of nerves and patience that we have. For example…

After finally getting home from work and daycare yesterday, I go in the kitchen to fix johanna a sippy of milk that she asked for. She proceeds to drink it. 5 minutes later, she asks for milk…again…Here’s the thing. Johanna loves milk. She cherishes it. It is the best thing that has ever happened to her, if you ask her of course. I cannot name one thing that Johanna loves more than milk. I get it! But I will not let her just sit there and drink it all day. We’re standing in the kitchen and she’s asking me for milk. I tell her no. She proceeds to throw her sippy onto the ground.

*raises eyebrow*

Me: Johanna, pick your sippy up.
Johanna: No.
Me: Ummm, so, that wasn’t a question, it was a demand. Pick your sippy up.
Johanna: No, mama.
Me: *I kneel all the way down to her level*. Johanna. Pick.Your.Sippy.Up.Now!
Johanna: *Begins crying and screaming shaking her head* NO MAMA!
Me: *super duper small eyes*

Me: Oh, well, then you can go sit in time out. It’s cool with me. I have all night!

At this point I put Johanna in the corner in the kitchen and leave her sitting there crying. She’s crying and stealing looks at me. Every time I squinted my eyes at her she burst into tears more. Ok, I thought this was going to be easy. Every time Johanna has gone to timeout, she’s never there for more than 3 minutes. So at the 3 minute mark I say Johanna, pick up your sippy. She proceeds to tell me no, crying and snotting and all. Ok, cool. I got this. So every 5 minutes I told her to pick up the sippy and she wouldn’t. At the 15 minute mark her father walked into the kitchen, right after I told her yet again to pick up her sippy and she sobbed nooooooooooooooo. Then she cried dada dada! When he refused to pick her up she was really done. That’s when she turned her head towards me and my baby, the one I carried for 37 weeks and almost died giving birth to, rolled those big ole almond eyes…at me! Blink blink. Keanu Reeves is that you? Because surely I am in the matrix. Or maybe that’s Leonardo Dicaprio I see. Maybe this is a dream within a dream within a dream. Because what I know! is that this lil 37 inch midget did not-tuh roll her eyes at me.

Ya’ll, it was about to be a misunderstanding up in there! I told her to do it again. I wasn’t playing. She was trying me, and I just wanted her to do it one.more.time. I wanted to see how crazy my 2 year old really was. She looked at me like this O_O then burst into tears again! Finally after 25 minutes of this, and me sitting on one of the steps filing my nails, I tell her to get her sippy and she gets up and gets it. I give her a tissue to wipe her nose and tell her she needs to tell me and her dad sorry. She pitifully says sorry, gives me a hug and then does the same for her dad. So we’re all good right? Fast forward to 5:30 this morning…

“Mama…milk.”That’s what I hear at 5:30am. Now for the record, She had a sippy of milk 30 minutes before she went to bed, as well as juice. My response?

And I continue to try to sleep. Then this little crumb snatcher proceeds to have the breakdowns of all breakdowns screaming for milk until I finally declare “It is 5:40 in the friggin morning and you ain’t gettin no flipping milk!!!!”. Yes, ain’t gettin no. Sometimes I have to go there to get my point across. We struggled with her all morning. I yawn as I type this. I’m exhausted. It was a fight like no other this morning. I don’t mind fighting in the evenings, but the mornings? Chile, bye. Just moaning and crying all morning even as she was drinking her milk O_O. Why Lord? Just…why???

As we drove off to work this morning Jonathan grabbed my hand and said “We have to stick together. I’m serious. We have to. It’s us against her, and Johanna isn’t about to kill me”. Ya’ll it is just that serious. Pray our strenf!

I did have a good laugh at what he said though. Of course it immediately made me think of Bernie Mac’s piece in Kings of Comedy.

Have you gone through the terrible 2’s yet? How did you cope? Any advice for this worn out mommy?